Life is short and then you Die.

Remember that old saying “life’s a bitch and then you die” well I prefer “life is short and then you die.” I woke up this morning and realized crap it’s already the end of May and then got hit with another blow shit it’s already MAY.  Where the hell did the time go?  I feel like I just dropped my daughter of at college and now she is home again.  Has time sped up?  It sure feels like it.  What I began to ponder is this moment was life really is short on this planet earth.  I am not going to babble on about living in the moment or being still or noticing all the simple things in life we all know that stuff.  I am going to SHOUT OUT it is time to be authentic.  Be honest, be real, be alive.  This means live every day and just say what you feel but your truth not a judgement on someone else’s life.

I have found as a cancer thriver that you sort of get some guts back on telling people like it is and not sugar-coating anything in life.  So I invite you to take even one day to just be honest about what you are feeling to the world.  You might want to just lay around and watch a movie but you are suppose go with you friends to an event.  Do you go because you feel obligated or guilty when your hearts not really into it? How many time have you done or gone somewhere because of guilt or obligation?

I invite you to feel what it feels like to just be honest “I don’t want to go because quite frankly I just want to relax at home” and not feel bad about speaking your truth.  By dong this you take each moment of this precious life seriously and stop wasting time on doing things that don’t fill your heart and soul.  A bonus to this is you get to empower others by role modeling.

Now this does’t mean not doing things to avoid emotion or conflict it just means be authentic notice when you are DOING because its routine or automatic or out of guilt or obligation.  If you do however feel bad or guilty just be with that emotion and let it have some room to be acknowledged.  State to yourself in your head or out loud “I am feeling guilty”  don’t try to make the feeling go away just be with it.  By doing this little exercise in most cases it will soften and often shift completely to no longer feeling it.

We have limited time on this planet so why not live it authentically and honestly believe me it feels good.   I have found those in my life who are living authentically feel grateful of honesty and those who aren’t living authentically take honesty personally.   Honesty really is the best policy but speaking from a place of how you are feeling about you.  Try it you might get hooked and your short time here on earth may be just a little bit more real for you.

A Time of Awakening

I sit in quiet contemplation the air is brisk and it is raining.  The gloom is welcomed. I so miss the cold days with the first fall of snow.  There was something very serene about winter as it awakens from fall.  The earth is barren and still and a subtle silents lurks in the air.  My body awaits this time of year.  A time of hunkering in, being cozy, eating warm food and my heart melting with a cup of hot tea.  I miss my snow and the solitude it would bring me.

As the light of day is shortened and darkness come quickly I find myself in a state of reflection and renewal.  What has my life meant to me?  What am I doing?  Where am I going?  Why does nothing make sense anymore?  Each day seems to be taunted with these questions and I sit back in a quiet space and “just be” with each one.

I have found that each contemplation is a window that opens to our true existence on this earth.  How I spend so much time living in the future and past always searching for something better or more.  In this quiet space I find me, only me, nothing more, nothing better, just me and then me becomes all and my heart sinks into this space the all.  For a moment I am caught in the in-between of each breath and I am awake to all that is and exists.

I am hopeful to take time in year to come and be with the miracle of each moment and find that space between each breath.  The space were nothing matters and all exists. Where nothing is searched for, or acquired, or judged.  Just a moment and just divine.

 

 

Leaving the Nest

The air is warm and humid as a sit on an old wooden bench looking out at children playing at water fountain park.  I watch a small toddler waddles around in her diaper jumping to entertain herself in the splashes she is creating.  In that single moment I am taken back to when my own 3 children use to play in the water.  Running up to the hole in the ground waiting in anticipation for the water to shoot up and hit them in the face.  Laughter, running, squealing with such enthusiasm enjoying the moment.

I remembered this moment like is was yesterday. My whole body felt like it shifted back in time.  I felt a sense of peace wash over me.  The time when life was simpler.  When watching my children play in water brought such joy to my heart.  When life was a little easier to be in the moment.

As I remember this moment I felt a tug on my heart because in a couple days I will leave Vancouver and my first born child who is starting college.  It felt bitter sweet, a tender memory of playing in the water and losing a child to adulthood.  In that one moment I truly got what being a mother was really about in this life.

I put so much energy into raising, preparing, teaching, disciplining and loving my child and then one day they step out of the nest.  As I watch her step forward I am proud, scared, emotional and  excited.  All of these feeling flood me a once.  A slight breeze fills the air as I can feel freedom.  Her freedom to grow on her own without parental guidance, to make her own successes and her own failures and to become into her own.

What a beautiful experience to be able to witness a child’s growth and flight.  The power of true motherhood.  I will forever be on the sidelines cheering her on, hopefully with little judgment and a lot of compassion.  I will watch her soar and become who she choses to be as the experience in her life appear before her.

She come from me and she will go from me.  The miracle of life.

Insights and truths from a tree.

As a walked along one day I came upon this tree.  I stopped and witnessed the roots exposed and the strength of the tree growing toward the light.   I took a deep breath as I felt in my own body how exposed this tree was to world that walked passed it everyday.  I felt its power as it stood there with its roots open to the air and environment.   It was beautiful, the lines and movement of the roots and how the roots held the tree up and forced it to grow each day.  I felt its vulnerably, its exposure, its secret.

In silence I stared at the roots and followed the trunk with my eyes up past the branches and leaves to the sparkle of sun that peeked its way through to shine its light on me.

In that moment I felt and bore witness to my own vulnerability, to my own exposure to the world and those around me.  I felt naked in that movement even though I was clothed.  I became curious why we fear this vulnerability when the tree clearly is showing us the strength of who we are when we are exposed.  I felt strong in that moment I felt if a tree stands showing itself then of course so can I.

In this human body I bare witness to all my insecurity, vulnerability, naked truth and I remember I am strong in that same moment. -Kimberly Bailey

Creating room for creation!

Today Summer Solstice embraces me with its opening of creating.  I have spent many hours in the last few weeks purging and packing my home.  Today as the last days count down till the move, my eyes catch a glimpse of the corner of the garage that has been a haven to my artwork.   This artwork has spanned 25 years all neatly categorized and placed in portfolio cases all ready to move yet once again.  Only this time, I have been embarking upon the Kon Mari methods of clearing space so my art is on its way to a new adventure.

I walk gracefully but reluctantly over to the corner of the garage that bears this creative graveyard.  All these drawings and paintings lying dormant in closed up carriers never to be seen but once in a decade until I take them out to purge them yet again.  I take the art and slowly walk over to a rare open spot on the garage floor.  I pull out all the pieces and create a neat pile.  I look and touch each one asking if it sparks joy in me.  I gently but persistently feel the energy of each one either pull into me or push away.  When a piece pulls, I feel my heart open and tingle.  I create pile of discards and one that makes me happy.

As I touch each piece I am brought back into the memories of where and when and what class I created the artwork.  I can remember the smell of the room, the lighting and where I was standing as it birthed itself.  This time however, as I go through the pile I am unattached.  I feel free, alive and ready to create space within me to birth anew.  The last piece is held,  I take a deep breath, place one hand on the discard pile and one on my heart and I thank the pieces for their liveness, expression and the experience to be able to have created them with all my heart, to be lost in the process of creating them and be one with my expressive spirit.

I carefully place them in the car to go to the recycling center as I ironically remember tomorrow I am taking my eldest daughter to her pre-college art class for a week.  I smile at this thought.  I then go back and take pictures of the pieces that bring me joy so I can place them on my computer as a screen saver and feel them daily.  I carefully place them in a special case and will create a way to display one each month.  This way their energy can fill my heart and home once again.

I then drive at 9:30 pm to take the discard pile to the recycle center.  I walk with the pile in my arms like it is a baby I have birthed and will watch grow. It is solstice and as I place them in the bin I imagine that as they become recycled with other paper their creative energy will infuse itself into the new paper or objects that will be made from them in the process.  I envision that energy touching whoever and whatever may come to be created.  I feel at peace, I feel free, I feel alive but most of all I feel lighter and open.  I feel the space I created in me by letting go of the art I held onto.  The creative juices spark in me I can’t wait to see what will become of the creative me.

A moment with a tree.

These days have been filled with blessed and cursed droplets of rain.  Rain has graced its presence in California after a deeper drought paved its way.  The spirit of water is ever so healing, it cleanses, nurtures and quenches all of life that surrounds it.  It brings emotions to the surface, some that have awaited an opening to be expressed, some that just dangle on the surface.  A rainy days brings our conscious awareness to a silent stillness as we are forced to stop and just be.  A moment to connect the quiet inside.

Today I witnessed the beauty and blessings of the gifts and trauma of the rainfall that lasted for days in my hometown.  On my walk through the park I was shocked to find two trees like this one pictured above.  I stopped along the path and gently held the pine needles of the tree as if to be holding its hand.  I wept, I began to thank the tree for its life, for giving us breath, shade, a place to rest and be here.  The smell of the pine  became more prominent. I stood holding the tree and the tree holding me.  I thought of all the years the tree has served this planet and this park.  All the memories it has witnessed.  How much it had grown through the years in the park.  I felt sad inside, I cried some more and as I began to turn to leave I heard, “sometimes we need to be up rooted to bring about great awareness.”  I smiled I understood and felt so much gratitude for the tree and life especially my life on this amazing planet.  What we witness on earth in our life has many messages this tree fell to teach all that are willing to listen and wake up.

Inspiration from a Black Squirrel

This morning I went outside on my deck and saw something black in the baby pool. As I neared closer I saw it was a black squirrel that had drowned. I have a deeply tender heart for animals and immediately started to cry. I was actually so upset I began pacing. I called my husband in tears and said “you need to come home there is a dead squirrel in the pool.” In all this turmoil I found a chair and just took a breath and felt my body and starting to witness all the emotions stirring. I pictured the little squirrel struggling to get out of the pool, there was nothing he could have grabbed on too to free himself from the water. The wall of pool were smooth. Visions of him giving up from exhaustion filled my head and I began to cry even harder. I felt so bad, I felt responsible, why didn’t we drain the pool? I sat there crying and through the tears I saw my own reflection in this moment. Like a quick flash I saw my own struggle with my life, feeling trapped, hopeless and giving up. And I remembered that when I gave up after a wave a despair I felt free. My mind and body always fighting against each other is very tiring.

My husband soon arrived and I wept in his arms. He asked,”do you feel responsible?” trying to make sense of why I was so upset. I said, “yes on some level I do”. Sitting here now in a quiet contemplative moment I see and feel my responsibilities to tend to my own levels of feeling trapped and exhausted and to just stop to surrender. To take responsibility for me and my own freedom because the more I wake up the more I see I am the only one stopping me from living free.

Today I light a candle for the black squirrel. I am grateful to him and will continue to grieve his death and celebrate what he was able to teach me today.

Full Circle

Grandmother Kauai

On April 25, 2013 I experienced my first Mammogram that birthed a great journey of deep inner work of truth. It had been one year and as I looked back it felt like yesterday. I recently found my journal where I recorded most of what I felt throughout that year. I sat there with the journal, a painting of Buddha on the front cover staring me in the face, and reflected on how I felt today. I had just finished my last surgery, received great healing from Grandmother Kauai, and felt as though I had finally passed a mile stone. I felt new, alive, fearless and beautiful. I opened the journal and began to read my journey. I got to a few pages before I thought and felt this was my story and it might be good to share it because on these pages are the true vulnerable me in the raw and I wondered how would it feel to expose that part of me.

It has now been a few days later and I struggle with my purpose on this issue. On one hand it was story and I don’t want to live that story anymore but I also don’t want to push it away it needs a proper place on my shelf called life. So today I share with you my struggle.

While laying in bed I felt a recessed area in that hollow place between my two breast. The side that now has a soft implant had in indention. I reached and felt it. It was hard, very hard because it was bone. I then felt the other side where my real breast still exists and I couldn’t feel the hard area the tissue from the breast rest on top of it. Feeling the bone again I realized the reality of my body and that beneath that bone lies my heart beating to keep life in me. It was profound how close and how real. I thought of being hollow, the skeleton is hollow until it is filled with what brings us alive. My organs, blood, tissue, muscles, brain, etc. From this hollow place we are birthed to movement, breathe, experiences, beginnings and ends. For me I was reminded of how my journey with breast cancer did intact bring me closer to my own heart. Bring me to a place to receive love from me a great lesson we all are here to learn.

Today I will sit in this hollow place and observe all that has filled it and be O.K with all that is waiting to fill. And then I will get back to you………

A Journey Completed

It has been a long journey this year.  Before I was diagnosed I signed up to participate in Wild Heart Teacher Training an expressive art experience of process painting.  I was to complete four 4 week course training and at the end receive a certificate that would enabled me to facilitate process painting workshops or classes.  One month later I received my diagnosis of Lobular Invasive Breast Cancer.  I had a choice, “do I do this training or not.”  I was faced with a commitment I made to myself that was bringing life to a dream I had to have  a studio and work with women through a creative art process.  I knew I needed this for myself more than ever as I faced terrifying journey a head with cancer.  I felt if anything I would be working toward something that feels alive in me.

The first week at the Mountian Home Ranch I found myself surrounded by 12 beautiful women.  I hesitated to share my story and by the time the talking stick got to me  I decided to show the real me.  I told my sisters of my story and they held this space for me very sacred.  The truth is I was more worried that they would regret having signed up for a training that had someone in it going through cancer.   This first week I was asked what I needed from the group?Most of what I needed at this time wasto be hugged. So as each day progressed I was embraced by my sisters.  There was one though who was a gift, a sister who had just gone through the same diagnosis as me, which is only 10% of all women with breast cancer. What were the chances that among 12 random women one would be the wind beneath my wings.  I hold her in my heart and am so grateful for her each day.  It was truly a great week to be held and loved before I embarked upon my journey of  MRI’s, decisions, surgery per craziness.

The second week  I arrived after I had a mastectomy on my left breast.  I was three weeks out from surgery still healing and weak but nothing could stop me from coming and being with my Wild Heart Sisters.  It was a test on giving myself permission to take care of my body,  stop when I needed, rest when I needed and cry when I needed.  This week was an incredible journey. From the beginning, I had  a dear WH sister  picked me up at my home to drive me to the Ranch, reminders daily to drink my water, being held as I cried through the trauma of emotions I never allowed myself to express, my sisters helping me dress my wound and anxiety of its healing, having a meal brought to me as I rested each day brought some new way to receive and be loved and to not have to be the strong one.  A great lesson on being able to receive without feeling guilty about it.  I thank my dear sisters daily for the care and love they gave to me through this journey.

My third week was awestruck as I opened up to be able to expose my bare body to the stark white paper and imprint my journey with cancer.  It was here that the breast cancer became real. As I stared at the art I had created with my body I felt all the grief and pain that my body and mind went through over the last four months.  I was held in the arms of one of  my WH sisters who embraced me and all that poured out of  me at that moment.  Lying on the floor half naked covered in paint with my head in her lap,  shaking from the trauma of everything I had just gone through, a moment of surrender to let go of everything I held on too to survive and control.  I am forever grateful to her she was a angel dropped down from the heavens.  There was much growth in this week for me and everyone and when I left I wasn’t sure I wanted to return as it was so intense. I was spent and much came to the surface for me to see and be with, to face.

The fourth and final week Graduation!  I struggled with whether or not to come.  I had been through such and intense year, I was tired and had no energy.  As I sat quietly I felt it was about completion.  This training started with breast cancer and it would mark the end of  a long journey.  I was, remember, here to fulfill a dream.  This week was peaceful, grounded, and powerful.  As I presented my 3 hour session I stood in the power of who I am and what I am here to do to service women of this century.  It was more than I can put into words witnessing these dear sisters empower themselves in ways you can’t imagine it was breath taking.  Being a witness to each of their presentations was amazing and I truly felt the world gifted with the grace and love each women will bring to this world.  I felt so honored to be standing in their presence and part of their teachings.

This training may have come to an end but the growth, love and compassion that enveloped my life at this time will forever be imprinted in my heart and being.  My sisters are so dear to me and I love each one of them so very much I am hopeful they will always know what a powerful impact they had on my life.  My heart opens with immense gratitude for all they had done to care for me and witness my journey through cancer.  I wish my sisters to know I can soar because of them, I had strength because of them, I knew I was never alone because of them.  I hope they realize how important they truly are to me and the world they live in.

In infinite love to all,

Kimberly